You know when you desperately need to sleep and your body’s like, “The fuck you do. Let’s just stress about all the sleep you’re not getting,” and then you wake up at 130am instead of the much more reasonable 230am and you get the kids out the door on time despite the three year old yelling at you about the tile bathroom floor being too spikey? Me neither.
Side note: Traveling during spring break should be illegal.
Holy crowded airport, batman! It was 430 in the fucking morning and the place was PACKED. I had been counting on being the only morons who were traveling this early. I kept meeting the eyes of other parents who also thought they’d gamed the system and we were all sheepish in our defeat.
Since our flight was delayed we had plenty of time to leisurely drop our breakfast on the floor and fight about which one of us had the higher egg to croissant ratio. Spoiler: it was the one dropped on the floor.
The mouse had his own seat but is a complete maniac so he couldn’t stop kicking and unbuckling his seatbelt as any good 16m old is want to do. So I figured it was safest to keep him on my lap. One snotty flight attendant was perplexed and was pressing me about why I bothered to buy him a seat if he was on my lap. I did not slap her so I am pretty pleased by the effect my kids have on my airplane behavior. I am my absolute worst self while in airports or train stations. But it turns out that without another adult traveler I’m pretty chill. I don’t like what that says about my need to control every aspect of my surroundings. Being fully in charge is like a drug to me.
But I digress. Did you know it’s physically possible to have three humans in one of those airplane bathrooms? The children may have been half inside the toilet, but we did it. Not sure if I liked that better or having to pee with an open stall door because I couldn’t fit all of us and our copious amount of travel gear in the public stalls at the airport. I have literally no shame anymore…wanna watch me pee with a toddler strapped to my chest? Cool. Wanna watch both kids play with my belly fat while we’re having a snack? No problem.
Because the last time we took a long plane trip the bug puked all over me I decided to dose them with dramamine before this long plane trip. Because things never work out the way you intend, the mouse instantly puked the dramamine up on me. But this time I had a change of clothes for myself too. I’m learning?
Because of the immense kindness of strangers picking up dropped toys, making faces at the kids, and singing Elmo’s World, the trip was relatively uneventful. The most significant part of it was the compliments I got on my parenting/bravery. I was called a hero and a rockstar. My ego is now officially out of control. FYI: my husband gets this praise when he takes them both to the grocery store alone. But you know, whatever, same thing.
Derek met us at baggage claim and watching his reunion with the kids might have been the sweetest thing ever. But it was weird to feel competitive with them. He was mine first, you little fuckers.
We ended the day with green noodles and enough pizza and bread to make me feel like a human again. It’s time to go to bed. I is tired. Fingers crossed that the time shift doesn’t completely screw us.
Travels with Larson and Co 