Wednesday, May 11
10 years ago today my brother’s heart stopped. He spent the next 18hrs not living and not dying. After knowing that he would never come back as Michael, I made the decision to let him die. It’s why we’re here. There is a sickening, deep grief every second I allow myself to think about him, so I don’t. I decided that I needed to give myself some time to be with him and I couldn’t do that at home. I would really love to be able to think about him without hurting and I wish I could share things about him without crying. Maybe doing a shit ton of that in the mountains will get me a little closer. I don’t know, but my eyes haven’t been this red and puffy since I was a teenager experiencing angst.
Anywhoo. Bet you weren’t expecting that.
I started the day with a long walk. I was able to sneak away while the tiny one was still asleep. It was a really nice start to the day.
For me.
For Derek, it began when Goose began to wail, “MAMA” at the very tiptop of her range. He says she then proceeded to go rigid with indignation and rage and eventually collapsed on the most mom part of the pillow and cried for 40 minutes until she was hoarse. Derek informed me that I will not be leaving this volatile human to wake up without me again. Fair.
We took the munchkins to the Rocky Mountain National Forest. It was pretty bloody perfect. The hike itself was somewhat challenging for the kids in the best way and it was spectacularly beautiful. Everyone was happy and content.
Things were throwing in the rapids. Sticks were found. There was no fighting. There was no complaining about the long car trips. I don’t know what happened. Nature is magic?
When we got back to the cabin our amazing friend Sara joined us. Seeing someone else love your kids might be the best feeling I know. It was her first time meeting the newest family member and they spent a good hour just laughing at each other.
We’re incredibly lucky. To have these opportunities. To have each other. I have such gratitude for my family. And it’s an odd feeling to hold such pain and longing alongside such joy and contentment. I can’t think of a better way to have spent today.
Oh! And I peed outside without covering myself in it. Pretty fucking amazing, if you ask me.
Travels with Larson and Co 