Wednesday, May 11

10 years ago today my brother’s heart stopped. He spent the next 18hrs not living and not dying. After knowing that he would never come back as Michael, I made the decision to let him die. It’s why we’re here. There is a sickening, deep grief every second I allow myself to think about him, so I don’t. I decided that I needed to give myself some time to be with him and I couldn’t do that at home. I would really love to be able to think about him without hurting and I wish I could share things about him without crying. Maybe doing a shit ton of that in the mountains will get me a little closer. I don’t know, but my eyes haven’t been this red and puffy since I was a teenager experiencing angst.

Anywhoo. Bet you weren’t expecting that.

I started the day with a long walk. I was able to sneak away while the tiny one was still asleep. It was a really nice start to the day.

For me.

For Derek, it began when Goose began to wail, “MAMA” at the very tiptop of her range. He says she then proceeded to go rigid with indignation and rage and eventually collapsed on the most mom part of the pillow and cried for 40 minutes until she was hoarse. Derek informed me that I will not be leaving this volatile human to wake up without me again. Fair.

We took the munchkins to the Rocky Mountain National Forest. It was pretty bloody perfect. The hike itself was somewhat challenging for the kids in the best way and it was spectacularly beautiful. Everyone was happy and content.

Things were throwing in the rapids. Sticks were found. There was no fighting. There was no complaining about the long car trips. I don’t know what happened. Nature is magic?

When we got back to the cabin our amazing friend Sara joined us. Seeing someone else love your kids might be the best feeling I know. It was her first time meeting the newest family member and they spent a good hour just laughing at each other.

We’re incredibly lucky. To have these opportunities. To have each other. I have such gratitude for my family. And it’s an odd feeling to hold such pain and longing alongside such joy and contentment. I can’t think of a better way to have spent today.

Oh! And I peed outside without covering myself in it. Pretty fucking amazing, if you ask me.

Tuesday, May 10th

The tiny person will not sleep in her bed. Up every hour again. Finally I take her into bed around 3:30. But I’m WIDE AWAKE. So, it’s a perfect opportunity to do some hiking trail research, as that is my big plan for my time today.

My goal is to be out of the house at sunrise and have a magical walk in the early morning air. Teeny decides that unless I am laying next to her, pretending to sleep she will scream as loud as she can. We finally end our standoff around 5 and I get Derek up so he can take the screaming little banshee.

Sidenote: Goose is feeling two HARD. I have never dealt with such constant screaming. Or, if the other two were this bad I entirely blocked it out. For example, today in the car she was trying to see what frequency of sobbing would make me drive into a tree and she was asked why she was crying. Keep in mind that we’ve been offering solutions intermittently which, up until now, has only increased the volume. She stops crying and with absolutely glee in her voice chirps, “I don’t know,” and is fine the rest of the trip. I may have inadvertently taught the other two how to roll their eyes while they mutter curses under their breath.

Ok, back to business. I do finally get my walk, an hour late. But it’s pretty fucking lovely so I cannot complain. Any more. We load them up for breakfast and while Derek does some yoga (what?!?) and meditation we finish up. Our meal ends when the littlest terrorist is told she cannot take her juice with her and utterly loses her shit. I can barely hold the wriggling, boneless mess as we leave. I forgot how much fun toddlers in public are.

While we wait for Derek to find enlightenment I take my Gremlins for a story walk around a big ass pond. I like it here. They run, they throw things in the water, they scream at geese – it is a perfect morning walk.

Parent switch.

It’s my time again so I go to Rockie Mountain National Park to hike. The trail is lovely but very quickly turns into an adventure.The trail is part creek and have just climbed over the third fallen tree when I am suddenly in snow up to my knee. The creek is not so much a creek at this altitude. Time to turn around and try something else. But as I start to descend I’m struck by the view and just sit. And cry. And miss my brother. And cry.

I find myself another trail and it’s just beautiful. Exactly what I needed, except I don’t have a lot of time. And I have to pee. I cannot pee outside. It’s a real issue for me. Even drunk, at barrel parties, I could never get myself to do it. I got myself a she-wee thing so that I could pee outside without it becoming a disaster. So. Here I go. It’s a disaster. This thing is not as self-explanatory as I had anticipated. It just turns everything into a sprinkler. I, a 40 year old woman, am standing in the middle of the woods, pee spraying everywhere, a complete mess. It is time to go home.

I get back to the cabin in time to do another parent swap and we go into town for a quick picnic snack by some more beautiful mountains and streams. We find mud to stomp and a playground to round it out. We’re all pretty spent so food, showers, and bed.

Monday, May 9th

Welp. Sleep is always a pleasure for us. Derek woke up after about 2hrs with a severe headache that slowly turned into him puking his old man guts up. Altitude sickness is not a joke, apparently. I overpack, but only for the kids I guess, because he was downing children’s tylenol at 3am to try and alleviate some of his symptoms. This does not mean that the rest of the night was incident free. Oh, no. The little Goose has no concept of how to sleep in a bed that’s not hers. So, she’s up every gd hour until I give up and take her into bed. Wherein she proceeds to wake every gd hour anyway, but at least now she’s also begging for milk. She finally falls asleep right as the big two rise, just in time for it to not even be dawn.

She’s up within the hour and we let the big guy sleep as we make our way to the grocery store to stock up. I shouldn’t have been driving. It was so distracting! I was having a really hard time not just staring at the mountains coming out from the early morning fog and snow. I haven’t felt this happy in a long time. I used to spend two weeks every year in the rockies until I was 11. I hadn’t realized how much being back here would make my heart feel settled. So, after the kids suckering me into a cart full of cheetos and swedish fish we make our way back so we can explore outside. But, no. LIttle critters have to eat. I call to the resort restaurant, asking if we can do take out as we’re still not doing anything without masks and am told that they’ll happily put us in a private dining room because no one else is at the resort because no one else goes to the mountains when it’s too warm to ski and too cold to do much else. This makes me really happy. I won’t be doing dishes. The kids will not be bitching about my cooking. Win.

After food we drop Derek off for his massage and head back to the house to explore! Kids refuse. Outright, tantrum, refuse. There are toys. In a new space. This is better than mountains and evergreens. I don’t have the energy to fight three of them. We’ll wait for dad, and I’ll make him do the dirty work.

Turns out you can get them on pony rides like three times a day. These are things you learn when you follow that link they’ve been emailing you for a month. That got three butts outside pretty damn fast. Well, for three tiny butts-we were outta there 30 min later. Dad was ready to join us so off to gawk at the stables while we wait for our rides. They explain that it’s guided and ask if Goose will be able to sit by herself. Fuck if I know, but let’s find out. I say, “Yup” and plan to catch her as she slides off. But she’s a strong little tyke and has zero issues. Even tells us when her foot slips the stirrup. I never get tired of being surprised by my kids. The other two are like blissed out. They’re calm and focused and still really engaged. We may NEED to get horses now. It’s for the children.

Derek and I are trading off kid duties this trip. It’s now my time to have ANOTHER massage. Because, y’alI, I really like them. But my brain does not. I try so stupid hard to relax, let my mind relax alongside my body. But I find them so awkward. Like, what kind of small talk is appropriate? They ask about injuries, but do they really want to hear about your funky knee you fell on when you were 13? You decide no. In fact, I usually spend the entire massage trying to be as unobtrusive as possible. Is this pressure good? The answer is always yes. Any areas to focus on? No! You do you. And here’s a sample of my super relaxed brain: did you buy too many eggs? Do we really need that many? What do you do with extra eggs? You’re wasteful. Are you still a good person? What does good really even mean? Are you instilling these values in your children? Sara. Sara can have the extra eggs. I love massages.

I find my family afterwards and the kids are having the absolute best time. Hitting a snowbank with sticks. This keeps them entertained for well over two hours. I read a book. Kidding. I do laundry. We’re out of diapers but we’re still working on consistently putting pee in the toilet, so. Lots of laundry. Without a washer/dryer. I am kinda like a pioneer woman. We eat. We eat a lot. We take an evening constitutional. We eat some more. And finally bed. We’ll see who sleeps.

I’m so impressed with us. We’re up and out the door exactly when I planned to be. We’re going to try one last time for that ridiculous singing restaurant (the line was two and a half city blocks yesterday afternoon as well) but I have two back ups on the way to our destination. And there is no rain.

The food is hilariously bad. But it comes with tater tots and regardless of how overcooked and over-oiled they are I have to eat them. The kids get a rainbow bagel and are over the moon (The bagel must have been shipped in from Indiana. It too, was awful. A true feat for a NYC restaurant.) The kiddos are also into the singing even if they can’t see any of the performers. We give no indication of how miserable we are so they can enjoy themselves. After waiting for 20min for our check (don’t they know they have a line outside) we can finally leave. I shake that experience off and vow to never again wait in a line outside a restaurant.

We walk uptown to the New York Historical Society where they have a Richard Scarry train show. It’s uncrowded, not sprawling, and has trains and structures for the kids to play on. We’re all happy. And after exploring all we can upstairs there’s a small children’s museum downstairs with a library. After the intensity of yesterday this is such a welcome surprise. We spend a leisurely morning here and then are off to enjoy Central Park.

We take a nice walk (while I’m on the GPS the entire time – I will not be lead down the wrong path again) and the kids can get out of the strollers whenever they feel like it and we’re all enjoying ourselves. We get a quick croissant and fruit in lieu of an actual lunch because the adults are still sick to their stomachs from breakfast and we know carbs and sweeter carbs are all the kids want anyway. We meander (with the GPS) to the zoo and have a great time. Even though I’m pretty sure they were really only interested in the ducks, which we have a ton of at home and don’t have to pay to see.

We let the kids (and us) have a break at the hotel before heading to dinner nice and early to avoid any New Year’s Eve shenanigans.

The whole of midtown has been setting up for this for days. I have absolutely no idea why anyone wants to do New Year’s Eve in Time Square. People begin to crowd around starting at 5/6pm. Some are even earlier. The hotel is close enough to TS that I’m psyching myself up for a real battle back to the hotel. But we take a longer route home and are pleasantly surprised that we are able to avoid the whole mess. The kids are tucked in and we’re in bed and asleep by 9:30pm. We’re kinda the definition of amazeballs.

We’re up bright and early and have a nice walk uptown via Central Park to redeem my previous park fail. But this time around I failed to account for the rain. Oy. We take a cab to breakfast and then to the Museum of Natural History. Bug has been pestering us to see the dinosaur bones since before we hopped on the plane.

There’s a line out both entrances that takes up the entire block in both directions. I’m very happy we have online tickets and get to skip that whole mess. We book it straight up to the fossils and both kiddos are pretty awed. It’s adorable watching Derek show his kids things he’s passionate about. I get to see what he was like at 10. I’m flummoxed that he still remembers all the names of the dinosaurs but often forgets the year we were married, etc.

We have tickets to the Hayden Planetarium and, again, Derek may be more hyped than the rest of us combined. For at least the fifth time this trip we’re treated as livestock as we’re herded into the space. We’re about the last people in because we move like distracted sloths. And the only four seats are inside a row with a couple sitting on the end. He graciously gets up to let us through but she decides that getting up is more hassle than having a family climb over her. Everyone else makes it though but she’s contorting herself into different shaped balls as I try and squeeze my heavily pregnant ass by her. Physics is not on our side and I have to explain to her that I can either sit my massive bulk on her lap for the show, or she’s going to have to get up. A big eye roll later and she’ s up and letting me through. I did not fight her. I thought about it though.

The show was awesome. I don’t know what it is abot viewing something like that but I love anything from a planetarium. Mouse is on my lap the entire time just oohing and ahhing. He cannot shut up about the big bang for the rest of the day. Bug is equally transfixed and that has been our biggest success so far.

The museum is getting bonkers crowded so, naturally, we decided to stay longer. I mean, they haven’t seen the big blue whale and that is iconic and must be viewed. I have such vivid memories of being young and walking into that room. The whale dominates the space and demands your awe. The kids are not impressed and just want their goldfish. I should have learned my lesson about expectations by now…

We spend a lot of time in the biodiversity section and an equal amount of time tracking down the travel toilet we brought. Kudos to Derek for doing that with both tiny humans while I zoned out on a bench. We try to look at another room but by this time it’s wall to wall people and I’m getting itchy and everyone needs OUT. As we’re packing up Bug decides this is the optimal time for a tantrum. Like a full-blown, kicking and screaming on the floor, people are stopping to gawk tantrum. I’m so done myself that I’m about ready to leave him there for the museum to deal with. Derek is the parent with the cooler head and he waits him out enough so we can wrestle him into the stroller. I’m so glad the stroller we have has such extraordinary buckles because that kid was throwing himself at them with all his tiny might. He begins to calm down when we get outside and the wind and rain knock the tantrum out of him. That is until three seconds later when we try and get him into a cab. He is having a day! And I can’t blame him. The museum was great, but too many people for that kiddo and we stayed too long. It’s time to make him wait in a crowded restaurant for a late lunch.

A thirty minute wait means that we buy the kids cookies as appetizers and let them lick the windows in between bites. We get seated and I order half the menu, feeling really hungry and never knowing what the kiddos will eat today. Turns out the answer is a fat nothing because they’re stuffed on black and white cookies. We try and tell them that this is really lunch/dinner and they won’t get an opportunity to eat once we leave. They are sure that the half bite of egg salad and the sniff of hummus will satiate them for the rest of the day.

It’s still pouring but Derek decides that he’s sick of the cabs so we’ll walk the 15min back to the hotel. With every step in my waterlogged boots I curse him. Every time the wind blows on my soaked legs I curse him. As the water is whipping in my face I turn to him and ask, “Is this really better?” He replies in the affirmative and I think I might trip him. Just a little. Marriage is a compromise.

When we all peel the wet layers off of us and get settled the kids immediately start in on, “So hungry mama!!!!” Fuck. We shell out the emergency supply of cheese and crackers and I put on some tv for them and give up. Bath and bed. We’re all ready to have this day wrap up.

Another hotel breakfast because, surprise! We’re late getting our asses in gear. It’s overpriced but fast and we’re off! The kids are beyond excited to ride on an underground train so we book it to the subway. We enter on the wrong side of the street and have to navigate a ton of stairs with two strollers to get to the uptown 6. Each turnstile knocks Mouse over and I get stuck once with the backpack and stroller on me, but we make it and only feel like moron tourists for about ten minutes.

After the subway we have a twenty minute walk through Central Park. I grew up going to the City every year, so I know it. I’m full of myself and refuse to use maps. I’m no tourist, all prior previous evidence to the contrary. We’re about done with our 20min when I see the Boathouse and realize that I took thre wrong GD path and we’ve been walking south, not west the entire time. We get a cab and I admit defeat. I am a tourist.

We’re finally at the children’s museum and the kiddos are ecstatic. The can touch everything and mom and dad just follow them around playing. Mouse finds a germ encrusted stuffed animal that he insists on taking everywhere with him and Bug is all about sorting. Whatever, live your lives children.

We take them back to the hotel and I run out to grab them lunch. I’m walking in Manhattan by myself. I’m stroller free and ignoring all traffic laws. It’s glorious.

We’re preparing to abandon them with a sitter and all they can talk about it how excited they are to be able to watch a movie. I think they’re going to be a-okay. The sitter brings toys and doesn’t seem homicidal so we leave with only mild trepidation.

We stop for a slice on our way and I’m feeling good. I haven’t been to see a show in NYC since I was pregnant with Ian. In my heyday I was a hard core theater nerd and I’m giddy. We’re seeing Hamilton and it’s been so hyped up that I’m excited, but not expecting fireworks. Within the first song I’m teary. I had forgotten the sheer magnitude of the performer’s voices here. That alone is enough to give me goosebumps. But the show itself is phenomenal. Truly something special. It’s funny and moving and the songs are glorious. It’s theater at its best. By the end I’m a snotty mess of tears and I haven’t been affected like this since the first time I saw Rent. Bravo.

We rush back to the hotel and the kids are super happy and they haven’t traumatized the sitter so it was a huge success. We wrangle the kids to bed and even though I’m exhausted I am up past midnight because I can’t stop thinking about that musical. Worth it.

Welp. They must know we’re on eastern time because they’re still up just at 6. I’m too groggy to parent so I ditch Derek and let him handle things while I shower myself awake. We go to breakfast at the hotel and pay way too much for a breakfast where they forget the food for the kids and pretend they planned it that way so we could eat. On what planet will my hungry children let me eat my breakfast in peace while they have no food?

We make our way to the battery where we board the Staten Island Ferry with a throng of other tourists who also refuse to pay to stand in a line to walk up the Statue of Liberty. We’ll view our majestic lady from the frozen bow of a dirty boat, thank you very much.

We’re herded like cattle off and back on the ferry where we purell the kids’s hand every three seconds because they want to literally lick the windows full of smallpox or whatever other eradicated disease is back in fashion. But they’re happily being plied with skittles to keep them occupied. To exactly no one’s surprise they are bored after an hour on a boat.

We head to Washington Square park and pretend that arch is the same one in Knuffle Bunny Too because we promised the kids we’d see it and I’m not trekking to Brooklyn for an arch. They care not at all.

However, there’s a playground and no tourists and we’re all happy.

But hungry. So we head to Eataly’s flagship store for some leisurely browsing and some Italian pasta. Mistake. Big mistake. It’s utterly packed. But we’re desperate for food and have come too far. In retrospect we should’ve run but, like mentioned previously, we’re idiots. We find the pasta section and put our names in for seating and browse while we wait. I say browse but what it actually entailed was grabbing sticky fingers every other minute, telling Mouse that I can’t carry him, telling Bug that we cannot get ice cream before lunch, telling both of them over and over, “stay close to mommy and daddy!” in an endless loop. We buy some fruit and I get into a fight with the produce woman because she weighs one apple, walks away without saying anything (true New Yorker), and then bitches at me for weighing the rest myself 5min later. Oy. We’re called for lunch. But it turns out that in my frantic desperation to get a table I put our names in at the fish restaurant. It’s too late to go back. My vegetarian children will have a lunch of cheese and bread. Wait! There’s pesto on a dish and I beg to order off menu to get them some green noodles. They won’t murder me in my sleep now. Whew. All Mouse eats is bread anyway.

After a much too late and too short nap for the littlest we get ready to hit the Central Park zoo, carousel and playgrounds. Then as we’re about to leave we realize the sun is setting. It gets dark at 430ish and I had planned on the sun being on eastern time. Idiots again. So we watch Daniel Tiger and the kids feel like they’re winning this trip.

We end up at an amazing and child friendly Italian place for dinner to make up for the lunch fiasco. Green noodles again! (But they were super good so I ate an entree and a half. You know, because I’m morally against wasting pasta.)

It’s off to bed with full bellies and happy babes.

Our day starts at the completely reasonable 315am. We slowly pull ourselves together and wake the kiddos. They’re perfectly happy? I feel like I’m being pranked. We make it to the airport on time, get some food, and board the plane. It’s like walking into a desert climate, air so dry and hot I immediately shrivel up. Then start to sweat. People are threatening the flight attendants. One woman says that she’ll sue if she passes out. I like not being the crankiest person on a plane.

The temperature evens out once we’ve been in the air for 15min and the fight is short and sweet. LaGuardia isn’t its usual pit of hell and we get a taxi with relative ease.

Our room isn’t ready so we go and hit up some lunch in midtown.

Pizza. I dream about NYC pizza. A lot. But I digress… after I stuff myself full of greasy cheese and carbs we head to Rockefeller center with a stop at the Saks display. It’s Frozen. The kids are catatonic with glee. It takes another mom to snap them out of it, and she takes their pictures.

We head across the street to see the tree. The kids are enamored. And I find that you can weaponize a stroller in a large crowd without even meaning to. I feel powerful. We do our tourist due diligence as we head to the new FAO. The line is around the block so we just get some pictures and call it a day.

The hotel is ready for us so we head back to get a bit of rest before the afternoon. The kid that needs the nap refuses to sleep and the one who doesn’t is passed out – hard. Bedtime is going to be a pleasure.

Whew. Last night was a doozie. Mouse was crying, fitful, and restless and couldn’t fall asleep even after 2.5hours. We finally gave him ibuprofen and he was able to sleep. For exactly six hours. Just until the meds wore off. And then both kids were up, way too early. Mouse spent the morning pointing at his jaw and ears so it’s those lovely 2yr molars that are making him such a pleasure to be around. Don’t misunderstand me, I feel HORRIBLE for him. It must be a real bitch having pointy bits burrowing up your gums. But we’re all bloody exhausted on top of the constant whining and crying. So, we let the munchkins watch a bit of tv while we get things ready for our hike. I do not have the patience or energy to referee them while I attempt to get us out the door.

We’re out of the hotel by 1030 and set off with both kids in backpacks and a big bag that weighs as much as one of our kids. But it’s cold and cloudy and I want to climb up the mini-mountain so we’re going to do this, even if our shoulders don’t work tomorrow. The first part of the hike is straight up a kajillion stairs. We’re both huffing and puffing and sweating buckets. We get to a less punishing incline and let the kiddos loose. Man are they slow. They want to pick up every rock, show me their super cool jumps and spins, and generally go in every direction except forward. Derek deals with this by getting them both “walking sticks” and you can imagine how that went. To their credit it takes about 10 minutes for them to be hitting each other with them. This happens to coincide with the trail getting more treacherous and they’re strapped back in…with their sticks, because at this point they have become an integral part of their identities.

We go up one way, only to realized halfway up that it’s the forest trail (which we have plenty of in wisco) and not the coastal trail so we backtrack to make this hike something we can’t do at home. And holy shit was it worth it. The views are STUNNING. We are actually among some whispy clouds we’re up so high, the water is clear, and the vegetation is lush. Totally worth the pain in the ass to get up here. We stop for a picnic lunch with bread that has salt, cheese that I cannot stop eating, and one of the best oranges I’ve had in recent memory. I know no one cares about what I’m eating but I’m still thinking about it and I want to capture the bliss for posterity.

The kids fall “asleep” on our backs and it only gives Mouse a 15min nap, so fuck. It was a known risk. We will pay for this later, I’m sure. We hike back down and 4.5 hours later we’re back on level ground and feeling very impressed with ourselves. On the way back to the hotel we pass a lovely playground and the kids want to play so I sit on a bench and let Derek chase them around. He’s really earning parent points on this trip. I’ll have to let him go to the bathroom by himself tomorrow or something…

We have an abundance of time before dinner places open and we thought the weather would have warmed up, but alas, the beach just isn’t a good idea. So, we decide to do the aquarium that I’ve read good things about. We get there and it’s half maritime museum, with a lot of cool ship models but I blaze past that because I’m here for the colorful fish. We get to the pretty swimmy bastards and it’s one of the best aquariums we’ve been to. The lighting is amazing and the displays are really engaging. There’s a hidey-hole for the kids to play in with a full wall being a fish tank. I’m pretty temped to get in there myself, but I’m tired and I don’t want to bend over. I’m thoroughly enjoying myself and the kids are also having a blast and we turn a corner and, BAM, back at the entrance. Um. What? That was like 15 minutes worth. We had planned on about 90min. Uh-oh. What the hell are we do to with the kids until restaurants are open?

Fuck it, more cookies and souvenir shopping it is. This takes up about an hour. I’ve been reading about a special northern gazpacho and cheese risotto that they serve at a specific pintxos bar and I’m not going to miss it because we can’t keep busy for another 45min. So, we snack and play on steps, visit plastic cows, and listen to live street music. Finally it’s time to eat. Again, we’re letting the kids zone out on the phones while we’re eating and I’m feeling less guilty about it as they’re blissfully quiet while I scarf down what can only be described as the creamiest, most lush cheese risotto I’ve ever had. It came on the tiniest plate and it was a good thing, otherwise they’d have had to roll me home. We eat more pintxos, I find french fries and a salad and today is good. But the poor kids. Mouse’s meds have worn off again and they’re both deliriously tired. We’re absolutely paying for the lack of sleep/no nap combo, but I think they’re feeling it worse. We stuff them full of night cheese and they’re both out immediately. I’m going to join them….